


Never Will

by QuickSilverFox3



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, M/M, One sided relationship, Red Velvet Pancakes - Freeform, based on real life - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 10:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuickSilverFox3/pseuds/QuickSilverFox3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘I was going to tell you I loved you that night, but you didn’t know that did you? And now you never will.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Will

Matt took a deep breath, absently chewing on his bottom lip which already bore teethmarks from earlier and raised his hands to the keys, staring at the plain white document open before him. After a moment’s hesitation he began to write.

‘I was going to tell you I loved you that night, but you didn’t know that did you? And now you never will. I had never thought about loving someone before, I mean it had crossed my mind but never for… well someone like me I guess. You changed me, made me feel things I had never thought possible, made me think things I had never considered before, made me love someone who was so full of love. Whether this was for the better or for the worse we’ll never know will we? You were always so perfect; I was almost scared to get close to you. Imagine my relief when you smiled and welcomed me with open arms… when you all welcomed me and let me join your crazy group of friends, so like my own but different because you were there. I would do anything for you, and you would do anything for someone else who needed it, always putting them before yourself.   
I’m jealous of them y’know? They hold parts of you that I can never, but I can’t stop you, would never dream of doing anything that would make you unhappy. The one time that I even thought I had upset you it felt like my entire world had fallen away from beneath my feet and I was falling through darkness. I can only hope that you won’t hold it against me, after all, I am only human. I love being next to you, especially since I rarely see you anymore so I treasure those brief moments when I get to hug you and feel you hug me back, so warm and full of light. Not like me. You deserve better than me so I treasure every word you say to me, every time I hold your hand, hug you and see you smile and knowing that I caused you to be happy. Nobody else but me and there are no words to describe that feeling. You kissed me on the cheek once remember? I felt like I could tear down the stars for you, do anything just for you all because you kissed me, just once but that was all that was needed. And what did I do? I kissed you back, carefully and awkward, blush on my cheeks all because of you and I counted myself lucky that I could do even that because you were with him.   
That night, do you even remember that night or is it lost in your happiness? I had been so scared, scared of losing you because if that happened then I didn’t know what I would do, but before when you told me that you had confessed that you liked him, I felt so happy and then so guilty. I had a chance, but I had to compete against someone who held your heart in their hands and could do what he wanted with it and how could I beat that?   
Do you remember? I was going to tell you, had finally plucked up the courage to do what I had wanted to do for months, but then you arrived, face flushed and a wide grin on your face and then the words that I knew were coming arrived. Alfred said yes! And my world crashed around me, but what else could I do but smile and congratulate you, treasuring every time I could hug you and just be with you. But it’s hard now. You are so happy at being with him and I am alone in a crowd of people, never quite a part of them because I am too different, but not quite fitting back in with my friends. You had changed me too much for that. But you never knew. And you never will. How can I put you through knowing that every time I see you I both hate you and love you in the same heartbeat? Knowing that I will forever long after what I can’t have, unable to meet Alfred because I may not be able to control my actions knowing that Alfred has you and I do not? I will always love you. I know that that much is certain. And I know that you have so much love to give that I am honoured to even receive a tiny part of it, even if you only see me as a friend. But now I am okay with that. I am okay with being unhappy, with having my own heart crushed inside my chest every time you speak about them with such love and care in your voice that it hurts. I am okay with being heartbroken, provided that you are happy chickadee.’

Matt slowly reread the words that were carefully typed up on the computer screen before chuckling bitterly, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he bit into his lip, a single drop of blood welling up before he moved the mouse over the red cross and clicking it, deleting the words of his confession.  
“And now you never will chickadee,” he whispered to the empty room, closing his eyes as he rubbed a hand over his eyes which were filled with self-hatred. “I cannot hurt you like that even though you are killing me.”


End file.
